My fellow Georgians: Now that President Barack Obama has delivered his final soppy State of the Union address (Yay! Hooray!) and Gov. Nathan Deal has given us a nautically-themed State of the State address that would have made Moby Dick proud, (Ha! Ha! Ha!) I come today to submit to you my annual State of the Column address, better known to many of you as the State of Confusion. (Yay! Clap! Clap! Clap!)
Once again, I am pleased to report to you that the state of this column has never been stronger! (Yay! Yay! Clap! Clap! Clap!)
Last year was a year of challenge and your columnist fearlessly met those challenges with a barrage of nouns, adverbs and a host of misplaced commas. (Clap! Clap! Clap!)
It is with great pride that I tell you of some of the humor-impaired groups and individuals I managed to offend in 2015, including supercilious liberals, stiff-necked Bible thumpers, representatives of You-Know-Where Institute of Technology, loud-talking, know-it-alls, angry white guys, most grammarians and anybody that voluntarily lives in Atlanta. It was a very good year. (Standing ovation!)
One of my proudest moments last year came when I joined forces with Claude, the whitetail deer and his friends on Jekyll Island because members of the Jekyll Island Authority thought there were too many of them running around the island and they should be shot (whitetail deer, not members of the Jekyll Island Authority.) We were able to present the authority with irrefutable evidence that shows there are many more lawyers than whitetail deer and that lawyers pose a much greater threat to our American Way of Life than do a few innocent deer. (Yay! Bambi! Bambi! Claude! Claude! )
As many of you know, earlier this year I reluctantly withdrew my name from consideration to run for President of the United States. (Boo! Boo!)
There is no question that I would have made a great president because I would have cut taxes, reduced the size of government, given California back to Mexico (Arriba!) and Vermont to anybody that would have it. (Hooray!) But I lived in Washington once and that was enough.
Too hot in August and too many politicians. (Boo! Boo! Pffft!)
There were some disappointments in 2015. Once again, I was not named to Fortune magazine's list of The World's Greatest Leaders (Boo!), but I was sustained by the fact that Barack Obama didn't make the list, either. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)
Some of my favorite targets are no longer with us.
Michael Adams, the former president of the University of Georgia dragged his oversized ego across the country to the University of Malibu, aka Pepperdine University (Yay!)
Our Ambassador to Outer Space Cynthia McKinney has gone missing and may be hiding out on Uranus. (Boo!)
And my beloved corn-fried shrimp are no more. (Gasp!) The owners of the Georgia Sea Grill now refer to my little friends as "corn dogs," which makes them sound like refugees from Coney Island. (Mumble! Mumble!)
But it is time to focus on the new year.
To quote my colleague, Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company in Greater Garfield, Ga., and a certified pest control professional: "The past is prologue and the future isn't analogue."
I have no idea what that means except Junior is prone to sniff Malathion on the job which makes him say some weird stuff. I can only say that in 2016 I will continue to use every conjunctive clause, vocative case and noun declension at my disposal on your behalf. (Yay! Yay!)
I want to see a Georgia that is broccoli-free! (Yay!)
A Georgia where all people can freely worship Ray Charles Robinson, of Albany, Ga.! (Amen! You go, Ray!)
A football team at UGA that will one day be as good as the Redcoat Marching Band! (Rah! Rah! Rah!)
A Legislature that will refuse campaign contributions from special interest groups lest it perceived that the money will influence their vote! (Ha! Ha! Ha!)
My fellow Georgians, it is an honor to serve another year as your modest and much-beloved columnist. (Yay! Clap! Clap! Clap!)
In closing, I again quote my colleague, Junior E. Lee, "Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. Look out, humor-impaired. Here we come!" (Sustained applause!)
God bless you.
God bless the Great State of Georgia and God bless the oldest state-chartered university with which it stands.
Thank you and thank God, I don't have to do this again until next year. (Sustained standing ovation!)
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139; online at dickyarbrough.com or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb.