My fellow Americans (Yea! Clap! Clap! Clap!). I come today to submit to you my annual State of the Column address. It is with great pride that I tell you that the state of the state of this column cannot be overstated! (Thunderous roar!) In the past year, I have written more than 39,000 words (Clap! Clap!) That, my fellow Americans, is more words than appear in the Gettysburg Address and the Hahira phonebook combined! (Sustained applause!) And unlike the Gettysburg Address and the Hahira phonebook, I used a lot of big words. (Clap! Clap!) Big words impress my friends and confuse my enemies and make my editors go to the dictionary to be sure I’m not slipping something by them. (Ha! Ha! Ha!)