But not to worry. As I have noted previously, American humorist Will Rogers used to say, “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” Me, too.
There will plenty of jokes going forward after the results are in. No matter the outcome or the party, the government is the government and a politician is a politician.
In the meantime, I have been analyzing Dante Alighieri’s classic poem, the
“Divine Comedy.” (How is that for a nifty segue. Jokes? Comedy? Is this guy
good or what?)
Actually, I have discovered that the “Divine Comedy” isn’t funny at all. It
would be appropriate to compare it to Bill Maher and Kathy Griffith, who call
themselves comedians but who aren’t funny, either.
The “Divine Comedy” is a poem that describes Dante’s dream of traveling through
the three realms of the dead: hell, purgatory and heaven. It was written
between 1308 and 1320. If Signore Alighieri were to write it today, he might
describe hell as Detroit City after dark, and purgatory as waiting to hear a live
voice when you call for service while a robot tells you your call is very
important. Heaven could be no place but the University of Georgia, the oldest
state-chartered university in the nation, located in Athens, Georgia, the
Classic City of the South. (That one is a no-brainer.)
When Dante made his imaginary trip to hell, he discovered nine circles or
levels there and where you were located depended on how serious your sin was.
For example, there is limbo, where a lot of virtuous pagans reside. I know a couple
of atheists who are nicer to deal with than some stiff-necked, know-it-all
Bible-thumpers. limbo sounds like just the spot for them.
Of course, some of the pagans could wind up in the Heresy section of hell if
they push God too far. That’s not my call. I think some of the stiff-necks are
liable to get put in the Sullen and Wrath circle. Maybe they can bring their
guns and tell whoever runs that department, it is a “sanctity of life” issue.
Down toward the bottom of Hell is the Violence Circle. I’m not sure how big a
deal that was in Dante’s day but we could fill the place up today with all the
violence going on. To know a bunch of white supremacists, street gang thugs and
ISIS terrorists were sharing the same circle and getting their collective fannies
burned would be heavenly.
There are a bunch of other circles like Lust (Look out, Jimmy Carter. God may
forgive you for your racist campaign for governor — I don’t — but He probably
remembers you talking to Playboy Magazine about having lust in your heart. You
might want to alert your apologists.) And then there is Gluttony where a lot of
people end up when their arteries explode after their second and third trips
waddling through the line at the All-You-Can-Eat buffet.
A lot has happened since Dante wrote his “Divine Comedy” some 700 years ago
describing who goes to what circle in Hell and why. With all due respect, the
poem could use a bit of an update. We’ve got a whole new crowd that deserves
consideration for a miserable forever after. Let’s start with robocallers who
manage to disrupt our supper and the bad people who try to trick us on the
internet into giving them our bank account information.
Anybody who abuses a child or an animal needs to go to hell, where a Rottweiler
can chew on their nose into eternity while cherubs slap them upside the head.
And let’s leave room for the professional football players who make millions of
dollars playing a kid’s game while siring multiple children with multiple
mommas, slapping around their girlfriends, snorting drugs, getting in nightclub
brawls but still finding the time to kneel on Sunday and disrespect their
country, alleging police brutality.
Wait! Did I just generalize? My bad. They would never do that.
Please don’t tell Dante I said this, but I find the “Divine Comedy” a divine bore. Will Rogers is a lot funnier. If it wasn’t for this infernal deadline, I would already be jerking the chains of a bunch of pompous politicians. Having to wait a week is just pure – well, you know.