I promised last week I would share with you the results of the latest patent-pending Wikiwinkwink Political Report, courtesy of my colleague, Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Ga.
Not only is Junior one of the most highly-respected political analysts in the country, he is also a pest control professional - a claim neither Bill O'Reilly or that fat guy on MSNBC can make.
This is a busy time of year for Junior. In addition to parsing the nuances of the election results, he is also busy working on his fall pest control schedule. You think politicians are a pest? Try squirrels in the attic. I don't know how the guy does it all.
Junior said his analysis wouldn't take long. He suspects you are weary with the harrumphing of a bunch of know-it-all political pundits, blah-blah bloggers, tweeting twits and petulant protesters regarding the just-concluded presidential election.
Junior says they aren't as smart as they think they are. For example, no one has picked up on the fact that Inauguration Day this coming January will conflict with Penguin Awareness Day, when most Americans dress up in their tuxedos and eat krill. Presidents come and go, but penguins are forever.
Junior finds it ironic that the other pollsters and their media accomplices who were so wrong in their predictions as to who would win the presidency are now trying to convince us that they were right all along. I told him that you had probably noticed that, too.
That kind of duplicity may be acceptable in the polling business, Junior says, but start telling somebody you know for a fact that they don't have termites and then their house falls down, you've got some serious credibility issues. He says the pest control business is a whole different ballgame. If anybody would know, Junior E. Lee would.
Turning philosophical, Junior recalled a line from William Congreve's play "The Mourning Bride," which premiered in London in 1697 and says, "Hell hath no fury like a national media scorned." That's not quite accurate. I believe Congreve said "woman," not national media, but his point is a good one; the national media weenies were made to look like a bunch of doofuses. They will do their best to seek revenge on anything and everything Trump and in the process, will likely lose what few shreds of credibility they have left. Hopefully, they will not seek employment in the pest control business.
And then there are the special-interest whiners, who can't accept the results of the presidential election because it didn't go their way. Junior said he has one word for them: Boohoo. I am pretty sure that is not pest control terminology.
Junior says that maybe the most positive news to come out of the election is that California is threatening to secede from the union and that we should cross our fingers and hope they really mean it. I found that observation surprising and asked him if he would expound further.
In his opinion, getting rid of California would mean no more Hollywood liberal loonies, Nancy Pelosi or Mr. Bucket Head, who doesn't like anything about America, except the millions of American dollars he gets paid for being a mediocre player of an irrelevant game. He says California's secession could only benefit the rest of the country. I'll bet you won't read that in the New York Times. Good for Junior.
Junior said he had a question for me. Had Gov. Nathan Deal followed his advice and sheep-dipped his political strategists who had blown the effort to pass Amendment 1, which would have allowed the state to intervene in the operation of public schools deemed to be "failing schools"?
I told him I rather doubted it because as we all know, some sheep dip is composed of organophosphate compounds that can inhibit blood cholinesterase activity. There was a long silence on the other end of the line. I could tell Junior E. Lee's was impressed. The governor's political strategists owe me one.
So, to sum up the patent-pending Wikiwinkwink Political Report: A guy with orange skin is president-elect of the United States; a bunch of supercilious liberals and their media lackeys have discovered they are full of sound and fury - and not much else - and life goes on. Thanks to Junior E. Lee for his good work. Now, can we talk about Penguin Awareness Day?
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139; online at dickyarbrough.com or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb.