You remember Y2K. Our computers were going to melt on the first day of January
2000 and we were going to be left in the dark with no telephones and no
electricity and riots in the street. As you will recall, that fateful day came
and went and all our computers kept working. All except Barney, my laptop, who
has turned melting into an artform, especially when I am on deadline. Barney
considers Y2K a national holiday.
Now, here it is 2018. Hopefully, Barney will stay in a good mood long enough
for me to report to you the prognostications of Junior E. Lee, general manager
of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater
Garfield, Georgia.
Not only is Junior a much-sought observer on the body politic, he is also a
pest control professional. That means he is an expert on pests be they running
around the halls of Congress or roaming around in Aunt Flossy Felmer’s drawers.
Junior seemed none too happy to hear from me. I asked why. He said he saw where
a reader who isn’t crazy about my columns opined that he was tired of hearing
me talk about my “cousin,” meaning Junior. Junior wanted to be sure the reader
understood that he got his current position based on merit, not nepotism. I
said I would be sure the reader was so informed. Junior E. Lee said also he
doubted the guy knew the difference between a caucus and a cricket. I said I
was not going to tell him that.
Back to business, I asked Junior what he thought we should be looking for in
2018. He said since this is an election year in Georgia, you will see more
posturing and strutting than a rooster with a barnyard full of hens, only a
rooster won’t go around promising to cut your taxes, curb government spending
and refusing political contributions. That shouldn’t come as a surprise to any
of us, I said, but I didn’t think roosters will appreciate the comparison.
Junior said another big issue to be aware of in 2018 was the effort of the
people who want to tear down all the Confederate monuments to start a campaign
to change the names of the 14 counties in the state named for Confederate
notables. For example, he said, look for Jeff Davis County, named for the
Confederate States of America president, to be renamed Lincoln County, in honor
of Abraham Lincoln. There already is a Lincoln County in Georgia, I said,
although it was named for Revolutionary War hero Gen. Benjamin Lincoln, not
Abraham. Well, it just shows how hard their job is going to be, sniffed Junior.
He doesn’t like for me to show him up.
I reminded Junior that Amazon is looking for a second headquarters and was
planning to invest $5 billion in the construction of the facility. Atlanta’s
name has been mentioned prominently as a site and I wondered if he had any
inside knowledge of where things stood.
He said if Amazon liked city hall corruption, an airport that can’t keep its
lights on, more cars on the road than fleas on a dog (Here goes Junior E. Lee
with his pest control analogies) and sewers that don’t work, Atlanta should be
a slam-dunk choice. Plus, the city can brag up a storm if that is important to
Amazon. Junior said if Atlanta could suck like it can blow, it would have the
Atlantic Ocean at its doorstep.
I asked Junior what worried him the most as he looks at 2018. He said finding a
way to keep the ticks off Arveen Ridley’s cows. I told him I appreciated that
but that I didn’t think you would and could we stick with current affairs for
the moment.
Junior said the Republicans had better be worried about the midterm elections.
He says they seem more concerned about being ideologically correct than in
getting elected and can’t seem to understand who the enemy is. Junior said if
Republicans were in the pest control business, they would spend more time
spraying each other than they would spraying the pests.
With that, Junior E. Lee said if I had no more questions, he had to go. He had
promised Aunt Flossy Felmer that he would take a peek in her drawers. The man
is amazing. I kind of wish he was my cousin.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139 or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb.