As a public service, I want to share with you the latest political data in order to help you decide for whom to vote in next week’s elections. If you have already voted, hopefully it will confirm the wisdom of your decision or let you bang your head against the wall for being such a dimwit.
This means mining the political expertise of one Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia. Junior is not only one of the nation’s most highly respected political analysts, he is also a pest control professional. That is a rare combination. Neither Rush Limbaugh nor that guy on MSNBC who looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy can make such a claim.
One of Junior E. Lee’s most important contributions to the refinement of political analysis has been the creation of Round or Square Polls, whose motto is “If you provide the dough, we’ll cook the results.” It has become the model for most all other polling organizations in the U.S., plus-or-minus 5 percent.
When I got Junior on the phone it was obvious he was very busy. He said he was not only analyzing the voting trends of people who own dogs between the ages of 18 to 45 (the owners, not the dogs) and are female (the dogs, not the owners), he was also loading up the truck with Permethrin to go spray Arveen Ridley’s barn for ticks.
I apologized for getting him at such an inopportune time, but told him I was feeling the heat to get the latest political analysis to my readers before they got it from suspect sources like the national television networks, the cable news channels, the New York Times or Farmer’s Almanac.
Junior said he certainly understood my concerns except he thought Farmer’s Almanac played things pretty straight even though they spend too much time talking about wooly worms being an indicator of future weather trends. He said they should leave wooly worm discussions to pest control professionals like himself.
I quickly steered the conversation back to next week’s elections because if you get Junior started on wooly worms, nematodes and the like, you can’t hush him up.
I asked Junior about the governor’s race. It seems that Democrat Stacey Abrams and Republican Brian Kemp are running neck-and-neck at this point. He reminded me that a Libertarian is also running, although he has about as much chance of winning as a wooly worm does learning to play chess. I will admit that Junior E. Lee’s analogies can be a bit weird at times. I think he has inhaled a bit too much malathion over the years.
As for the governor’s race, Junior says it will be won by those in the middle since most of the wingnuts on either end of the political spectrum have already cast their ballots.
What constitutes the middle, I asked? Junior says it is mainly people who don’t want illegal aliens being allowed to carry guns on our college campuses or in our houses of worship. I said I would have to think about that one. For example, I knew Baptists weren’t keen on illegal aliens but that they liked packing heat most everywhere because they consider it a “sanctity of life” issue — forget that pesky “Thou Shalt Not Kill” commandment. Junior reminded me that we were talking about folks in the middle, not Baptists. Ah, yes. That’s why the man gets the big bucks.
If Abrams wins, Junior predicts she will move the governor’s office to Hollywood where most of her financial supporters are located. On the other hand, if Kemp wins, he says look for Hooterville to be the new state capital and Jed Clampett to be his chief of staff. I hope he is just pulling my leg.
Junior said he needed to wrap up the conversation. After he finished at Arveen Ridley’s place, he needed to drive over to Aunt Flossy Felmer and take another peek in her drawers. He says he is looking for fire ants. I don’t believe that for a minute. Frankly, I think Junior spends too much poking around Aunt Flossy’s drawers, but I don’t say anything. Finding a highly respected political analyst who is also a pest control professional is not easy.
In closing, Junior E. Lee joins me in urging you to please vote on Nov. 6. It is both a privilege and a responsibility. About that, we are not kidding.