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Phil Hudgins: All my resolutions are things I wont do in 2012
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Things I resolve not to do in 2012:

Believe everything our new GPS says. We bought a new GPS device after our former navigator wanted more than a hundred dollars for an update, probably because some new roads have been built in Ft. Wayne, Ind. Well, the new system is cheaper and isnt quite as sophisticated. For example, it doesnt know the word recalculating and cant pronounce certain words like boulevard and avenue and road. But if you watch for obvious errors, taking into account that you do not detour through Pascagoula, Miss., to get to the west side of town, then the cheapo eventually will get you in the general vicinity of your destination. Its last message: This is the best I can do; youre now on your own.

Judge any pretty children contests. Over the years, I have judged contests in writing, wild-game cooking (I judged the fish), patriotic speeches, tackiness (the tackiest-dressed senior citizen won), Christmas decorations (in Dahlonega, Ga.) and pretty children. Of those, the only judging thatll get you killed is for pretty children. In a weak moment years ago, I agreed to judge pretty children in a rural county where all children are extraordinarily beautiful. Lord knows, another judge and I did our best in judging, but we never convinced the mother whose daughter came in second place.

Buy socks that come in bundles of a dozen. I bought one bundle years ago, thinking that 12 pairs of socks for five dollars was the best purchase ever. Well, it wouldve been if the socks had matched. I had some that barely covered my ankles while others covered the top of my thigh. They were not marked irregular, incidentally, because that was too nice a word.

Put any stupid things Ive done on YouTube. I dont know why people do those things. No, Im not talking about performing stupid acts. Most of us have done them. Im talking about putting them on YouTube so that the whole world can marvel at how stupid some people can be. And those videos, you know, live forever, which proves there is no statute of limitations on stupidity.

Fail to buy my wife a Mothers Day present. A quarter-century ago, I was talking to a man I considered wiser than I, mainly because he was my boss. What are you getting your wife for Mothers Day? I asked. Nothing, he replied. Shes not my mother. You know, Id never thought of it that way, I said to myself. So that year, I didnt buy my wife a Mothers Day present. My boss, it turned out, was not as wise as I thought.

Mix up my date for a colonoscopy with a date to speak to the Royston Rotary Club. I did that, by the way, and ended up missing both dates. Its a long story, so Ill give you the Readers Digest version: Both events were rescheduled, but it was the Rotarians who got the short end of the stick.

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