I dreamed that Oprah came to our house to watch a show on our widescreen, high-definition TV. Which is odd, because we don’t have a widescreen, high-definition TV. But we could buy one if Oprah would help me start my own show. She seems to have the time, so what’s she waiting on?
Honestly, I have a number of qualifications for being the second Dr. Phil. First, my name is Phil. That’s important. You can’t be Dr. Phil if your name is Paul.
Second, I have a Southern accent, one that’s often mistaken for a Texas accent. To add a bit of legitimacy, I could wear pointy-toed cowboy boots and the nice dark suit I keep for weddings and funerals.
Third, I know some of Dr. Phil’s smart-alecky quotes, such as “This ain’t my first rodeo,” and “No dog ever peed on a moving car.”
I’m not sure what the second quote means, but I could find out and apply it appropriately.
Last, but certainly not least, I can shoot from the hip, just like Dr. Phil, and dish out advice that anybody with half a brain could figure out for himself. But, for some strange reason, people feel compelled to sit across from Dr. Phil and be humiliated before millions of people.
I know, I know, I do not have a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and the famous Dr. Phil does. But I’ve done a lot of empirical research - which means I’ve watched people do stupid things, and done a few myself - and, as everyone knows, a half-peck of experience is better than a bushel of academic degrees.
So, having made my case, please allow me to answer a few questions, just in case Oprah is interested:
My husband wants to wear my high-heel shoes around the house. What should I do?
Tell your husband to buy his own women’s shoes. His big ol’ feet will stretch yours so badly they’ll never fit your little feet again.
I read a study that concluded that parents - despite what they say - do have a favorite child. I believe that my parents favor my sister. How can I find out for sure?
Pack a suitcase and tell your parents you want to move out onto the street and sleep in a pasteboard box for the rest of your life. If they do not object, then you’ll know they really do favor your sister.
Several high school football coaches in Westmoreland, Tenn., are in trouble with school officials after bowing their heads during a student-led prayer before a recent game. If you were one of those coaches, what would you tell the school officials?
I’d tell them this ain’t my first rodeo, and coaches, like rodeo riders, always look down to make sure they aren’t standing in deposits left by bulls and overzealous school officials.
So there, Oprah. What do you think? Thousands more people are waiting to humiliate themselves on national television. I am capable and willing to help them succeed.
Phil Hudgins is senior editor of Community Newspapers Inc., parent company of the Dawson News & Advertiser. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.