In my office, high up on a shelf, sits a pretty dainty little plaque that has survived numerous moves without being lost or broken.
I am not sure who gave it to me -- I have had it so long, that I forgot. But whoever it was, they evidently know me very well because the pretty, girlie plaque declares: "Never underestimate the power of a good hissie fit."
I haven't pitched a good hissie fit in ages, but I do know what makes one good.
Usually, it begins with a woman who has been pushed beyond her breaking point. When she has to unleash a hissie, she has been pushed too far, for too long and has put up with asinine behavior longer than lesser people would have.
Granny can get on the busy end of a hissie fit quicker than anything.
She told someone once when she got done with them they were going to need not only their crying towel, but their binkie, bottle and a diaper too.
She pitched hissie fits on a regular occasion when she was younger, and by younger, I mean less than 90 years of age. Having to hoist up a walker to make your point kind of lessens the effect of the well-aimed hissie fit and can cause one geriatric fit thrower to lose her balance.
Hissies are equal opportunity fits too; they can be applicable in just about any kind of situation. I've seen them pitched in the workplace, in the checkout aisle, in the car, in the home. I've even seen them pitched in church, although a church hissie fit is a little more discreet.
My husband would probably say that the only place I haven't pitched a hissie is church, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
What is a hissie fit exactly?
It's a well-aimed, full-on assault usually on some well-deserving person who has it coming.
They are some of the most powerful forces ever hurled, probably creating gale winds higher than a category 5 hurricane.
They usually involve several sandwiching of terms where the receiving person discovers some new adjectives and some new places as to where various household items and their head can be stuck.
A well-delivered hissie fit can probably knock our earth off its axis; or set it back right.
I've heard some people say that when a woman has a hissie fit, she is just over-reacting and being emotional.
Want to know why? Because as I mentioned earlier, she has put up with something ridiculous for so long, that she finally did have an existential breakdown. And once she reaches this point, she will not back down until her point is made, even if it's ad nauseam.
The actual sighting of a hissie fit can be a beautiful thing and takes on different forms, depending on the pitcher.
Mama's hissies were articulate and logical; my mama can make Julia Sugarbaker look saintly when she pitches a hissie.
Granny's hissies on the other hand could make grown men cry and rightly so.
I had two perfect examples of hissie-fit throwers to learn from growing up and later in life, worked with some of the finest throwers in the state's history.
One even commented one day my hissie fit was quite stellar; I blushed.
Every woman prides herself on the quality of her hissie fit.
I haven't thrown one in a while - and we throw them, we don't have them, in case you didn't know the difference.
Mama told me that was what was wrong with the other day; my fit throwing mo-jo was off and it was long overdue.
I needed to throw a good old-fashioned hissie fit.
She told me it would make me feel much better and would let some people know they needed to just back off.
"You throw that hissie fit, Kitten," Mama ordered. "And then they will know where you stand and everything will be OK. You were happier when you used to throw more regular hissie fits."
Maybe I will.
Like my special little plaque said: Never underestimate the power of a good hissie fit.
Sudie Crouch is an award winning humor columnist and author of the recently e-published novel, "The Dahlman Files: A Tony Dahlman Paranormal Mystery."