Spring has sprung in all of its bright colorful splendor and that means one thing.
No, not the beautiful array of flowers blooming everywhere but in my yard.
Not allergies either, although I have the itchy eyes to prove their existence.
No, spring means bathing suit season is looming and those words are enough to strike fear in thousands of women everywhere.
I spotted them on the racks in Walmart weeks ago, when I was still shrouded in about 10 pounds of layers, complete with CuddleDuds. I frowned as I passed them, thinking they were out way too early. But then the weather warmed up and their impending necessity became inevitable.
And I, as usual, am not ready for a swimsuit.
Not that I ever wear one, mind you. But I feel compelled to pretend I get swimsuit ready each season.
So far, I have hit the treadmill once. Ran for 30 minutes, then put it up and decided I would reward myself with a Reese's Blizzard from Dairy Queen. I probably undid any good I accomplished.
I lifted my handheld weights while watching "Dancing with the Stars" a few times. I still have bat-wings for upper arms and don't see myself getting any more toned any time soon.
If I do have to pull on a latex-polyester tankini, maybe I will do like I did when I was a skinny pre-teen (which lasted for only about 18 months) and put an XXL T-shirt over it.
Or maybe I will just wear shorts instead. Unless they are too short.
The last pair I bought barely covered my cornbread and I took them back to the store.
"What is your reason for returning these?" the store clerk asked.
"They are too short."
"They are shorts. They are supposed to be short."
"I know that. But these are too short."
"That's the style," I was told.
"I understand that," I answered. "But I am nearly 40. At my age, I have things I need to hide, not display."
"You could maybe wear them over a bathing suit," the girl suggested.
"Honey, if and when I do wear a bathing suit, it would cover more than those shorts would. So please, here's my receipt. If you could just give me my money back."
The girl checked the receipt. "Your purchase was over a month ago. We can't give you money back, but we can give you a store credit."
"Fine," I muttered. "Do you have anything on sale?"
"We do. Our bikinis have been marked 20 percent off this weekend."
I love warm weather. I love spring and summer and love to feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I actually don't even mind our Southern humidity despite what it does to my hair.
Too bad I can't enjoy it while wearing my CuddleDuds.
Sudie Crouch is an award-winning humor columnist and certified life coach. She lives in the north Georgia mountains with her family and four insane, but fairly well behaved dogs.