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Broccoli up the nose ends any thoughts of a political career
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My fellow Americans, it is with heavy heart that I inform you today that I am not now nor will I become a candidate for public office. I felt compelled to share my decision with you after I was deluged with mail this past week urging me to offer myself for public service. (Note from editor: He got three emails. Big deal.) However, there is much work yet to be done in carrying out the awesome responsibilities with which you have entrusted me. (Note from editor: Barf.) I would have tweeted or twittered or whatever my decision to you, but that is so gauche.