This is maybe the first ever time I have not started the New Year with some grand resolution of losing at least 10 pounds.
It's not because I didn't really make "resolutions" this year, but because I discovered the other definition of resolution was "contentious matter" and that's what they seemed like to me.
No, I decided I wasn't going to mention a diet at all this year.
Do I need to lose weight?
Oh, my thighs yes --I need to lose weight.
I always think I need to lose weight, even when I didn't but this time, I did.
But this year, I wanted to be more mindful in attacking the objective instead of just writing at the top of a list "lose weight."
I wanted to figure out why I had gained weight to begin with.
There's some behavior involved that if I don't deal with it, will only keep recurring.
I knew my behaviors too well.
I am an emotional eater, which means if I am happy I eat; if I am sad, I eat; if I am nervous, I eat. Whatever the emotion - I eat.
It's much better than addressing the real cause behind the emotion, at least temporarily.
Add to that food allergies/intolerances and sensitivities and I have a perfect storm to be chubby.
I can eat something and blow up like a puffer fish.
I know this and I eat a piece of cheesecake anyway.
Then I spend days in agonizing pain, angry at myself for eating something I shouldn't anyway.
Focusing on a diet that promises I will lose 10 pounds in two weeks is not going to help me.
"I don't think you need to lose weight," Mama said on New Year's Day.
"Mama, the only female in this house who likes being chubby is Doodle," was my reply.
It was true.
The pittie mix was proud of her curves. As a matter of fact, I need to get some of Doodle's attitude.
"I am going to get back to my normal weight, but I am not setting it as a resolution. If I do I'll give up by the third week of January along with everyone else."
And then, when Valentine's Day hits, I will just pig out on candy in red foil hearts because hey, I had already failed at my resolution, so I may as well eat 37 pieces of chocolate.
So this year, instead of trying to do some crazy crash diet and getting mad at myself, because I broke down and had a spoon of Nutella at 10 a.m., I am going to be mindful.
I am going to listen to my body and myself - if I am eating out of an emotional response, what is the emotion?
I will be mindful in how I feel and respond to those feelings.
What do I need to deal with?
Is there a better way I can process the issue besides eating?
None of the stuff I know I can't have, either.
My health needs to be a priority. Pain can be well, crippling. I have hurt so badly I could barely move. It's not fun.
My husband will tell me if something hurt him that bad, he wouldn't eat it; I tell him I wish it were that easy. It's not.
Probably most importantly, I am also going to stop hating myself.
Instead of beating myself up when I do need a spoon of Nutella - who doesn't? - I will process it and move on.
I am not going to associate guilt and shame with food any more.
I've done it long enough and it's probably a huge part of the problem.
So no more of that nonsense.
If I eat a piece of cheesecake knowing I will hurt for three days and be puffy, I am just going to eat the dang cheesecake.
Even more so, I am going to enjoy it.
Nope, I told everyone, I was not going to list "lose weight" as my resolution this year.
Instead, I am going to take control of this whole torment with food once and for all.
It's one resolution I can stick to.
Sudie Crouch is an award winning humor columnist and author of the e-published novel, "The Dahlman Files: A Tony Dahlman Paranormal Mystery."