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An open letter to Mr. Black Bear

POSTED: May 23, 2012 4:00 a.m.

Dear Mr. Black Bear,

Allow me to introduce myself; I am the owner of the trash you so enthusiastically dismantled and scattered all over my backyard recently. Several times actually. I'd like to have a few moments of your time if possible.

I am not quite sure why you have decided to bother me and my neighbors and under different circumstances, you would find all of us to be a pretty friendly bunch of folks.

We look out for each other and tend to like living up here in the mountains because we love the peace and calm it brings. But you have managed to throw a monkey wrench into that peace the past few weeks.

Bear - I hope you don't mind me calling you Bear, but I feel once you littered two acres with my coffee grounds and used dental floss that we lost an air of formality - you've got to stop.

You are making not only a colossal mess in my backyard, but we are losing sleep. I am sure you heard the beagle howling at you nonstop for several hours.

Everyone within a five mile radius heard her.

We lost sleep during her howling, as did our neighbors. I know you don't see her as any kind of threat because she is basically a football with legs, but I can assure you, don't underestimate the beagle - if she could get a hold of you, she would callously end you and feel no remorse.

Your presence has caused us worry and fear - worry that you will return each night to strew trash every which a way and fear that if you don't happen to like the potato peels and rotten organic tomatoes that you will try to come in the house to forage for Greek yogurt.

Why you'd go after the Greek yogurt, I don't know, but we fear that will be to your liking since we aren't too fond of it.

My child has taken to sleeping with his bike helmet on and a tennis racket under his bed to ward you off in case you do get in.

Be warned that two fearless shepherds and a border collie await you too.

You may have saw the shepherds; they were hiding behind my husband the other night. The border collie, however, was shaking in the bed with me.

We are animal-loving people here, Bear, and wish you no harm.

We just would like for you to go find another little road to go trash-can terrorizing on for a while.

Some people have told my husband he may need to bear arms to get rid you, but neither one of us can stand the thought of that.

We just want you to go on your merry little way with no more damage, no more lost sleep and no one getting hurt.

I sincerely hope you understand my position on this and will not return.

Regards,
Sudie Crouch

P.S. Don't make me release the beagle.

 

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