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Borrowed gems bring a smile

POSTED: February 5, 2014 4:00 a.m.

Since I can't get out and about too much these days and since the weather has been too cold to be out and about much anyway, I decided to share some email chatter that might make you smile.

Some of you may remember "What I Owe My Mother." This may not apply to all mothers these days.

Each sentence begins with "My mother taught me..." so I will not repeat that basic beginning.

My mother taught me religion: "You'd better pray that this stain comes out of the carpet."

Logic: "Because I said so, that's why."

Irony: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

Behavior modification: "Stop acting like your father."

How to become an adult: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

Wisdom: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

Choice: "Do you want me to stop this car?"

Anticipation: "Just wait till we get home."

Justice: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Another friend sent a group of puns.

Some of them may elicit a chuckle:

• A rubberband pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math distraction.

• A dog gave birth to puppies on the roadside and was cited for littering.

• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall; the police are looking into it.

• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

• When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

• Two fish crash into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

And then there's the person who sent 10 puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in 10 did. I hope I did better.

On the more serious, but still smiling side, let me send congratulations to my young friend Chase Elliott as he moves into big-time racing. Good luck, Chase.

And to those deserving recipients of the Dawson County Chamber of Commerce annual awards: Stephanie Griffin, Doris Cook, Roger Slaton and Carol Tyger.

Each of them is a truly special person, not only last year, but consistently.

Helen Taylor's column appears periodically in the Dawson Community News.



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