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One thing you truly need

POSTED: January 9, 2013 8:21 a.m.

I had found it. Everything that would make my life better could be mine, and I had found it all before 4:30 a.m.

And I could get perfection with easy payment plans.

New workout equipment was the first one. The Total Gym seemed so easy and hey, Christie Brinkley looks better now than when she was an "Uptown Girl."

The next one was some kind of makeup that was in a compact - all you needed, foundation, blush, eyeshadow - all of it, was in this one compact. And it made you look 10 years younger too.

The third and final infomercial was the Cami Shaper.

Oh sweet, sweet son of a biscuit eater.

Finally, a panty girdle that wouldn't nearly impale something internally when I put it on. There was no hooks, no zippers; no muffin top. It had the easy payment plans too. After spending the last two weeks eating like it was my job, this was a must-have.
"I need a Total Gym, a compact of some makeup - I can't remember what it's called, but I wrote the Web site down somewhere; and a Cami Shaper," I announced to Lamar when he got up a few hours later.

He said nothing and helped himself to a cup of coffee. He sat down at the table and cast a well calculated glance at the treadmill that sat in the corner of the living room.

My list of ‘why' I didn't use the treadmill was long and sundry.

I had needed it, insisted on it, and had even come close to pitching a fit about a treadmill a little over a year ago.

I could probably sell the thing and claim ‘like new' with truthful accuracy.

I gave up my petition with Lamar - men never understand stuff like makeup and panty girdles anyway- and called Mama.

"All I have ever needed, I can buy off infomercials," I announced to her when she answered.

I gave her the run-down on the items. She was more interested in the makeup than the exercise equipment or the Cami Shaper.

"Where would you put that Total Gym anyway?" she asked. "What if you end up looking like Chuck Norris, instead of Christie Brinkley?"

Then, she had a little tidbit of wisdom.

"But I wouldn't order anything that you have to pay for in payment plans," she stated. "You know my theory on that stuff - payment plans are only good in theory."

And at 4 a.m.

Plus, I am sure Suze Orman and Dave Ramsey would both recommend not financing items like groceries and panty girdles.

"If it's meant to be, you will find it where you just make one payment - not several."

Mama had a good point there.

"Why do you want to get a panty girdle though?" she asked.

"Because I am chubby," I responded, knowing Mama's response before it came out.

A Mama's job is to make their child feel good about themselves.

Since Mama retired nearly 20 years ago and still had remorse for denying me ballet lessons because I was a klutz, she tried to make up for her parental lack of building self-esteem in my early years whenever she could.

I didn't want to hear her rebuttals, her lies of telling me I wasn't chubby. I am 5'2" and short-waisted.

When someone lies and calls me "curvy" I know that is a euphemism for chubby.

Easy payment plans aside, I still was thinking about how I needed all those things. The makeup was going to make my wrinkles practically vanish and even my skin tone.

The gym was going to help me put things back to where they were before gravity moved them. And the cami shaper thing, well it was finally the contraption I had said I needed for years - something that would take everything loose and jiggly from the knee up and put it near my chest.

"Sounds to me like the only one you really need is that body shaper thingy," Mama said after I had reiterated the benefits of all three things. "Why would anyone exercise if they could put on something that made them look thinner?"

Mama is wiser and more logical than she has ever been given credit.

A few days later, I was shopping when there it was - the Cami Shaper minus the easy payment plans.

Oh sweet, sweet son of a biscuit eater.

The one thing I truly needed. And it was meant to be.


Sudie Crouch is an award winning humor columnist and author of the recently e-published novel, "The Dahlman Files: A Tony Dahlman Paranormal Mystery."

 

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