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Don’t mistake caffeinated for perkiness

POSTED: September 26, 2012 4:00 a.m.

One morning on Facebook my friend Lori and I got in a conversation about why we were up so early.

For me, 5:30 a.m. is normal. I declared myself a morning person.

"SudieHoo, you are by no means a morning person," Lori replied to me. "You forget, I sat 4 feet from you for years - and heard every grumble and moan you muttered in the a.m. You are not, NOT a morning person!"

But I pretend to be.

I prefer to wake hours before anyone else, where I can slip out on the porch with the Border Collie and the evil beagle by my feet, sipping a huge cup of hot coffee with a liberal dose of half and half. After 30 minutes of solitude, and more coffee, listening to the crickets or the birds chirping, I am ready to begin the process of beginning to get ready. It's quite the undertaking, the things I go through each morning to be presentable.

After rousing my child at 6:45 a.m. to get in the tub, I get his breakfast started.

He eats, it takes both of us to find his shoes - how one shoe ends up in the bedroom and another one under the recliner in the living room is still an unsolved mystery. Then I have to help him find whatever he just now remembered he was supposed to take to school.

Usually it's not school related but a new Beyblade he wanted to show his buddies. And he cannot, repeat cannot, show up without it.

By the time I get through the drop-off line at school, the caffeine level in my blood is near empty.

It's been nearly two and a half hours since I inhaled half a pot of coffee. I start pondering where I am going to get my next cup. Will it be hazelnut or dark roast? Gas station - I know which ones have the freshest and the real cream - fast food, or coffee shop? Hmmm.

I know the baristas at Starbucks think I am the most boring coffee consumer ever. I always order a breve latte, nothing fancy, just the coffee and steamed cream and taste buds forbid, no syrups. That hinders my pure coffee enjoyment.

Somewhere midway through my day, there's more coffee. Since I recently was given a Mr. Coffee version of a Keurig, I can now make instant cups of coffee when I am home instead of having to wait for a pot to brew.

When I pick Cole up from school, he's usually hungry, so I grab him something to eat and myself another coffee. It's probably the equivalent of about two pots total in a day.

Some people have criticized me for drinking so much coffee, warning me that different studies have proven that much coffee intake to be harmful.

I counter with coffee is better than drinking sugary, syrupy ‘energy' drinks and there's countless other studies telling how beneficial coffee can be.

Plus, me without coffee can be detrimental to other people's health.

I once asked a friend why a mutual acquaintance didn't seem to care for me.

"She thinks you are just perky," the friend answered, giving ‘perky' that lilt of annoying that most people consider it to be.

That explained it. No female over the age of 12 wants to be called ‘perky.'

Those that really, truly know me, warts and all - like Lori - know I am not perky. I am caffeinated.

I'm also really not a morning person either, nor am I a night person. I have about a good three hour window in the middle of the day where I have a power surge and get tons of things done in a burst of energy.

Or maybe, that's just the caffeine surging through my body.

I'm not really sure.

But I do know this: I am quite certain on some days, given enough coffee and a cape, I could conquer the world.

At least after noon anyway.

Sudie Crouch is an award-winning humor columnist and certified life coach. She lives in the north Georgia mountains with her family and four insane, but fairly well behaved dogs.

 

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